Work suspended on "Ours de désespoir" - I'm going to my very first Thanksgiving Dinner tonight. Party pants on! I'm quite looking forward to it - now that I've been promised it won't involve me being dressed up as a turkey or Pocahontas and pelted with cranberries. And being Scottish I don't think we'll be expected to be too thankful. A wee nod and a "canna complain". Nothing excessive like.
Ta da! Have finally premiered my first feature film - "Windowbox Squirrel" - a poignant tale of a young squirrel and his travails through a pitiless urban landscape. Will he become internationally renowned concert pianist and racing car driver or will he be forced to raid window boxes and steal food put out for the the poor little birdies?
It got quite a good reaction over on StuffieAndPugSpace but *sniffle* unfortunately the fame has gone to Squirrel's head and he went all Amy Winehouse on me - ending in a punch-up with another squirrel over some of Madame's snowdrop bulbs. A lot of soil got thrown about, a small concrete bear took an unexpected and unsuccessful flying lesson, and a very angry Madame did a lot of shouting and window banging and suggestions were made about squirrel kebabs and squirrel fur mittens.
My next film is probably going to be about a small toy bear. He sits sadly by a window as darkness falls on a dismal winter day. He remembers the fun he used to have with his wild carefree squirrel friend and despairs for all the empty days ahead. Betrayed by the Madame he loved. He ends in a puddle of his own stuffing in a Parisian gutter. Shot by the gendarmes for a crime he almost probably did commit. Le end. Working title - "Ours de désespoir". Maybe it needs something punchier? Hmmmmmmmm. How about "Stuffed!"? Hum. Might need to think about that. Might do a bit of research.
She wouldn't wander about in grungy jammas. Eating biscuits and whinging about stuff. Jessica's bear would live an elegant life on a pile of silk cushions. Not covered in cake crumbs and lost under a pile of dirty laundry.
We did have a little sigh of relief when we heard the American election results. That Obama bloke won't be the answer to all this stuffed animal's problems but considering the alternatives on offer he is better than being poked in the eye with a pointy stick.
But now - eek! - what will Shrub do?. And even more importantly for bears - what's that Palin woman doing? She'll be on the loose now - possibly armed and dangerous and with a grudge against us. Should I be wearing a bullet proof vest? Oh noes. I don't think Build-a-bear do bullet proof vests. aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!
Ah, well. Madame is dragging me away to Makka Pakka country* for a few days so I could end up as the victim of an over vigorous face washing.
Look at him - all innocent in his little scarf and bobble hat - but he's just waiting for an unsuspecting bear to wander past. Then *boom* he whips out the Sponge of Doom and the Red Soap of Despair and *wallop*. Bear down. Soapy faced indignity.
Watch out. They are everywhere. In the bath. On the beach. Up trees.
Madame has been making us listen to a radio version of The Duchess of Malfi - "coz it's like culture and that". Hum. I listened very hard and I have no idea what was going on.
Lots of people seemed to be mooching about the Italian countryside - between that Malfi and somewhere they keep calling Millen - which might be Milan. I'm not sure. There's lots of verily and prithee and naughtiness involving apricots or *nudge nudge wink wink* apricocks. Oh, my aching sides. humph. Madame says that one probably went down a storm with the crowd at Globe. I don't know how she can know that - she's old but she's not that old.
Back to the play. Some woman - probably this Duchess woman - gets called a strumpet. I think that sounds like a nice cuddly word - crumpets and trumpets are both good stuff but apparently strumpet is a Bad Thing. Perhaps she goes round spoiling crumpets with trumpets. That would be a Bad Thing. But not bad enough for what happens next.
Some blokes turn up to strangle the strumpet and various other people who happen to be hanging around. Then they all take turns to stab, poison and strangle each other and various other people who still haven't cottoned on to what is happening and are still hanging around. Points are awarded for the most gurgling death and someone makes a gloomy speech about life being like chasing bubbles. Quite.
By now I am a very confused and bewildered little bear - distressed by all this mayhem and murder. I need some jolly music to cheer me up. Aha! A little bit of Gillian Welch ...
um. oh. well.
It is quite cheery sounding. For an extremely gory murder ballad.
Right. I'm off to hide all of our sharp and pointy kitchen utensils. This culture stuff is too dangerous for impressionable minds like Madame's. She'll be sticking to Enid Blyton and Girl Aloud from now on.
Poor little blog. I have been neglecting you. I have been busy - I might have looked like I was just lying there, staring at the ceiling but I was actually taking part in an experiment to see if it really is possible to die of ennui.
Turns out to be harder than it looks.
Just too easily distracted. There is the clickety click of Madame's knitting needles. She says she's being inspired to have another go at the knitting thing by sites like anti-craft - but I suspect something even more sinister. hmmmmmmmm. The revolution will be warm and woolly. She's just learned how to do stripes so if anyone needs a stripy cover for their guillotine then she's your woman.
See. Easily distracted. I was going to write all about bear-type stuff and now I don't have time to tell you all about Happy Bear's secret path to happiness or recommend Polar Bears Against Palin. And no time for the story of how I fought off a plague of evil MakkaPakkas who wanted to take over the world.
Excuse me. It difficult to typ e in snorkle and flippers. Rain, rain, go away. We all laughed when Madame said her Big Life Plan included learning to kayak but it's starting to look like a useful skill. A couple more weeks of gloom and rain and she'll be able to canoe to work every day down Byres Road.
While we are all waiting for blue skies and ... what was that funny yellow glowy thing ... up in the sky ... very warm ... er ... oh - the sun - yay, the sun!
Let's go the Little Zoo of Misfits! The Little Zoo's owner and creator has just come up with the bestest Misfit yet - the Washy Machine Monster - devourer of lost socks! eek! so scary. so cute.
Yes. Ever so slightly scary to a small bear who is due for a bath soon. I think that someone should give him a home so that I can bathe without fear. Apparently I use the same launderette as Kylie Minogue. Which is nice. I'll feel right glamorous when I whirling round with the towels and t-shirts.
If Mr Washy Machine is too scary then there are some lovely Misfit bunnies and we've just ordered a little happy robot brooch - because someone really loved WALL-E.
Rightie ho. I'm off to read up on What to do in case of Flooding. I'm going to call my boat "The Saucy Pink Hippo". Because I can.
We are available for hire if anyone has a small Caribbean island that they're not using and needs a small bear and a smallish woman to look after it. We've got our dessert island discs already picked out.
